Memories of Elsewhere: Heartbreak Beach, by Emma Venables

In these times when many of us are staying very close to home, we have invited Elsewhere contributors to reflect on those places that we cannot reach and yet which occupy our minds… 

By Emma Venables:

Heartbreak Beach, Dinas Dinlle to everyone else, is in North Wales where I lived and studied for eight years. I’d never really explored anywhere beyond my university’s city, Bangor, until I met my best friend when working in retail. At a particularly difficult time in both our lives, she had just learned to drive and so we drove down those winding roads, the Welsh countryside wrapping around us like a comforter, in search of breathing space. I’d play DJ, feet on the dash (before I realised how dangerous it was), and we’d sing our blues away to Katy Perry, P!nk, and Lady Gaga. 

On Heartbreak Beach, we stood. Our wellies soaked by the sea. Hair frizzing in the wind. Cheeks stinging. We looked out at the Llŷn Peninsula, at the tip of Anglesey, at the weak sun hitting the Irish Sea. Breathing deep, taking it all in. Together, but alone in our thoughts. The view and atmosphere bestowing a definite calm on our addled minds which we carried with us into the car and back to our everyday lives. 

A few months later I took my dad and our dogs, Bobbi and Charlie, to Dinas Dinlle. My parents had just split up and whenever I think of this time, I’m reminded of a quote from Cormac McCarthy’s novel, The Road: ‘They set out along the blacktop in the gunmetal light, shuffling through the ash, each the other’s world entire.’ I see us, walking on the sand, up and along the pebble banks, united in our heartbreak and confusion, with our two terriers running in and out, making our load a bit more bearable.

It was a gloomy day, clouds touching the cliffs. We were well wrapped up against the breeze that nipped at us with its puppy teeth. I had my digital camera with me, determined to document these special moments with dad and dogs. As I raised my camera, pressed the button to capture Charlie running at full pelt along the beach, my dad said there wasn’t any chance of the photograph coming out – Charlie was going so fast, he’d just be a white and brown-eared blur against a dull, yellow, background.

But the photograph did come out. It’s one of the best pictures I have of Charlie. All four paws off the ground, ears up, a smile seemingly on his face. Pure joy. A dog’s life. That photograph hangs on my wall now, Charlie’s collar and lead draped over it. He’s been gone for nearly three years, and that image brings as much sadness as it does joy, but I wouldn’t be without it. 

I haven’t been to Heartbreak Beach for such a long time, but when I sat down to write this piece, I couldn’t stop thinking about it, much to my surprise. There they were, memories of that beach in North Wales alongside sitting in a rowing boat on Lake Bled underneath a cloudless sky and walking through Berlin’s Tiergarten on a late summer evening with foxes and rabbits skittering here and there. Perhaps my mind keeps returning to Heartbreak Beach now because, for me, the times I’ve spent there encapsulate periods in my life where I felt confused and scared, concerned for what would happen next. I went there in search of breathing space, of head space, of more-to-life-than-this space, with the people closest to my heart and came away feeling a little bit lifted, a little more hopeful. 

When the lockdown comes to an end, I’ll return to Heartbreak Beach, Dinas Dinlle to everyone else. I’ll take my dad, my stepmum, and their rescue dog, meet my best friend there. We’ll clear the chaos from our heads, find ourselves again in the sea air, the sand, the glare of the sun hitting the Irish Sea.

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Emma Venables is a writer and academic living on the Wirral. Her short fiction has recently featured in The Cabinet of Heed, Ellipsis Zine, Lunate, and Mslexia. Her first novel, The Duties of Women, will be published by Stirling Publishing in summer 2020. She can be found on Twitter: @EmmaMVenables.